Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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