I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
