I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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