Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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