So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
