i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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