mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
