Someone shit on the floor
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
