wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
