i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
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