she looked like the bat from fern gully.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
