I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
