I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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