Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Actions speak louder than pants.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
