I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
