You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
