Porn is love you can see.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
