stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
