He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
