he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
