I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
