after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
