I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
