Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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