I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
