if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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