Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
