At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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