I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
