Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
A bitchslap is in order.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
