It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She announced her abortion via fbk
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
