Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
