Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
