I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
