Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
