If i come over, it means nothing
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
