Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
