it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
