The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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