I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
