I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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