come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
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