U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
