Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
