I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
