Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
