The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
