i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
He felt like a one man threesome
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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