I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
