I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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