omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
only if we run a train.
done.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Im part way to drunk.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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