I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
