I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
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he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
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You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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