my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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