Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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