Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
